Christianity: The Ultimate Evil
By Liberal Larry
The UNITED States of America. United we stand, divided we fall. Yet frighteningly, America is more divided than ever. Economic disparity, religious extremism, and Bush's cowboy "For Us Or Against Us" policies have driven a wedge right through the very heart of this once great nation. If the main message from the DNC rings true (and it does), then the greatest threat to our freedom lies not in some mosque in Mecca, but in a simple church in the Bible Belt.
The time has come for all patriotic Americans to unite under a common cause: getting rid of the Christians. Not all Christians, mind you - just the ones whose religious beliefs interefere with our political agenda - i.e. Christian Fundamentalists. Their backwards, outdated belief system is based on unwavering moral absolutes, which only alienate those enlightened Americans who have no morals at all. Ironically, these so-called "morals" Christians claim to possess aren't even true morals, as they stem not from a Noam Chomsky pamphlet or a Michael Moore film - but from some silly old book they found in a motel room dresser.
This ignorant Christian self-righteousness makes it next to impossible to reason with these people. Try getting a right-winger to fund homoerotic photography or a feces-smeared Virgin Mary with his tax dollars. Try explaining the joys of partial-birth abortion to some religious nut who worships an invisible diety in the sky more than a Woman's Right to Choose. Try talking a nun out of her habit for a few quick polaroids. Heck, try getting a "Born Again" gal into the sack without a marriage license and a big stinking committment! You can't even smoke some crack and have sex with your dog in the front yard without the fundamentalist neighbors screaming "Stop that! Stop that!". Intolerant by nature, self-righteous to the extreme, Christians are ruled by hatred and bigotry - and the sooner we're rid of them the better.
Now before you start sending in the hate mail, I'm not advocating violence against Christians - at least, not officially. *Wink wink, nudge nudge.* For the time being, we'll continue to simply mock and ridicule them for the self-righteous, hateful bigots they are - while graciously granting them the gift of our tolerance and understanding. But if they take advantage of that gift by stopping one single abortion, it's onto the metaphorical box cars with them! Our French friends have been handling their "Jewish problem" this way quite effectively, and the little kippers are fleeing the Mother Country in droves.
After we've rid ourselves of the Christian menace, we'll go after those whose divisiveness lies in their refusal to divide up their loot: the evil rich. That'll be fairly easy - they only comprise a small portion of the population and we've managed to demonize them to great success already. However, while the wealthy don't represent a sizeable voting block, they still manage to use their vast resources to support candidates who won't [love] them up the ass. That's why in a new united America, they'll have no resources at all. By simultaneously imposing confiscatory taxation on their greedy asses while preventing them from fleeing the country to avoid getting ****ed up the ass, we'll take the power out of the hands of the CEO's and put it back where it belongs: in the hands of the workers. Well, the union workers, anyway. Or at least, the union leaders who speak for them. And the politicians who speak for the union leaders. But nevermind that - what matters is that Grandma's starving and little Billy can't afford his medical bills all because a few billionaires choose to hoard their riches in great big vaults so they can swim around in their ocean of money and not let their nephew Donald have even one measly little penny. No more. Not in MY America!
Finally, once we've forced all the evil Christians and the greedy rich to stop polarizing the country, we'll take care of the idealogues - or, anyone whose idealogy is different than ours. Because while we insist on tolerance and diversity, we simply can't tolerate diversity of opinions. If we're ever going to unify the nation, if we're ever going to realize Dr. King's dream of free love and free drugs, we must be of one mind, one purpose, one will.
Join us in this cause. Let's make America stronger at home and respected in the world. Let's ensure that once again, in our one America — our one America — tomorrow will always be better than today.
Resistance is futile.
