Prayers for Debbie

[Philip]

Guys, please pray for Debbie L, a programmer who lives in SC and works on an international team with my wife. She recently went in for a routine checkup and a lump was found in her breast. Further testing showed another growth in her other breast. This is so serious that she was told that without chemo, she will not survive. She's starting that any time now. Just as she was initially contemplating losing one breast, she subsequently has learned that it's far worse and she realizes the outcome is uncertain. A terrible thing to suddenly face, surgery, long period of chemo. We don't know that she is a Christian - likely not.

Thanks, guys! I know she would greatly appreciate your prayers, even if she is uncertain that they are heard.

[RickD]

I'll be praying Philip. And for her salvation too.

Lord, I pray that you use this time to lead Debbie to a saving faith in you through Jesus Christ.

In Jesus' name

[1over137]

I will pray for Debbie, Philip.

[Proinsias]

Sad news Philip, thoughts are with Debbie, friends & family.

[Jac3510]

[melanie]

So sad
Keeping her in my prayers.

[B. W.]

[Philip]

Guys, I so appreciate your prayers for Debbie. Her last appointment this week has now brought her even more concern and fear - her cancer has spread to her nodes - not sure what that means but it doesn't sound good. She had an all-clear checkup just the previous January. Her initial tumor is 2 inches in size.

When my wife told her that she will be in her prayers, she thanked her but didn't comment. I doubt she is saved, but just guessing. I can't imagine her shock at the suddenness of this. But the Lord may well use this for her, her husband and others.

My wife was wondering what she could say to her, besides mostly listening and telling her of our prayers. Jac (or others), you have a lot of experience as a Chaplain, any thoughts?

Thanks, everyone!

[Storyteller]

I don`t know how, but I missed this thread!

I will pray for Debbie and her family, and for you too. That she will find the strength to deal with this, for you and your wife that you may continue to support her and reach her.

I have no experience with chaplain but I`m guessing all you can do is be there for her. Listen to her and love her.

[Jac3510]

I'm sorry to hear about the bad news, philip. Will continue to pray for all of you.

As far as what to say, believe it or not, the more important thing is what not to say. In the hospital, I actually only pray at the bedside of a third or so of my patients. Look, I'm a HUGE believer in prayer. I pray for all of them. But, sometimes for some people, praying for people or even telling people we're praying for them is something we say when we don't know what else to say. It's sort of the Christian equivalent of, "I'm sorry for your loss," or, "Oh no, call me if I can do anything!" Of course, we are sorry for the loss, and we do want people to call us when they need us. But the problem is that such language is usually received in the same way you you receive someone passing by with, "Hey, how ya doin?" To press the analogy, I've actually said to people when they offer the generic "How ya doin," "Not good, actually!" Watch the look on their face. They don't really know how to respond because they weren't really asking. They immediately get uncomfortable.

And that is what is the most important thing. We get uncomfortable around sick people. We don't want them to be sick. We want to fix it. We feel helpless. We want to say something but we don't know what to say, so we tend to resort to cliches. The best advice I can give, and what I live by (rather literally, since it is how I make my paycheck), is to say very little and listen a lot. I cry with some of them. Sometimes, I sit in silence. Sometimes I listen as they rant about how angry they are at God. I affirm it. They really feel that way, so I make a big deal of giving them the grace to acknowledge whatever they feel. I encourage honesty, because God knows it.

A little more specifically, I try to avoid "yellow light" language--the passing back and forth of information (that is what, "I'm praying for you" is -- it's the passing on of a fact that we hoe is comforting--again, it often comforts us because it helps us when we don't know what to say!). Obviously, there are times it is appropriate to ask for information. You can ask about the diagnosis or the prognosis. But "green light" language is deeper. In that language, you empathize (please God, don't sympathize) when them. It's common for me for patients to be telling me a litany of things they are facing--yellow light language--and I'll respond with something like, "I don't even want to imagine how you must feel. It must be so overwhelming." Trust me, it's not as canned as it sounds (because I mean it). And suddenly, the conversation changes. They start focusing on what they are feeling. They'll say something like, "You have no idea! I mean, it feels like I can't even breath sometimes." And I keep it "green" with something like, "I've not been where you are, but I've felt like that--it's like you're being suffocated. Sometimes I was pissed as hell. Other times I was totally fine." Now you've "joined" them--you are normalizing what they are going through.

That's the whole idea. However you do it, whatever language you use, you want to let them know, let them feel, that they aren't alone. Because they do feel alone. Let her know that what she is feeling is normal, whatever it is. And if God comes up, fine. Don't shy away from that. But don't try to steer it toward Him, either. I had one woman who wouldn't let her mother go. We talked about an hour about her grief. It turns out she had had three close relatives die, all in hospice. I was picking up anger under her voice. Finally, I politely called her on it. I said, "You've lost so much this past year. Maybe I'm wrong, but ma'am, you just seem mad about that. I think I would probably be mad, too!" And when I said that, she almost shouted, "YES THAT IS IT! I AM MAD. I AM MAD AT DEATH. I AM MAD AT GOD!"

An hour after THAT, she had "cleansed" her soul. She was praying. She was crying. And she was letting Mom go. Not because of what I said, but because I listened to her.

So I'm sorry for the very long answer. I don't want to lecture or imply that you aren't listening. You are probably doing this stuff already. Just keep doing it. Just be there for her. Listen to her. Let her be and feel whatever she is and feels. Give her that grace. Love her in it. I think that's what Jesus does . . .

Praying for you, brother!

(btw, none of the above says you should NEVER tell someone you are praying for them. When it is appropriate, please do so! Just be careful to be sure you aren't saying ANYTHING--not even something so spiritual as that--to fill up an uncomfortable silence. Better to acknowledge the discomfort, your inadequacy, and tell her you love her no matter what.)

[Silvertusk]

Good post Jac - and good advice.

[Philip]

Jac, much appreciated and valued input - especially as I know of your extensive training and clinical experience.

You know, once, 22 years back, I thought I was going to die. Before diagnosis, I heard all of the standard, though well meant, platitudes - you know, "I'm praying for you to have that peace that passes all understanding" - as if you just had enough faith, you wouldn't suffer nearly so much. Mind you, I had severe, late-stage Lyme Disease. I hurt in every fiber of my physical being, I was losing my eyesight, my hearing, I was stuttering from neurological damage, my short-term memory was very bad, and everything that had been important to me had been taken in a very short period of time. I thought there was a good chance I would die. And that's when I realized an awful lot of people had never really gone through such a thing, they didn't know what to say, and they repeated a lot of spiritual nonsense, as if strong faith would just give great peace. Well, I can tell you that suffering in the pit is going to be suffering in the pit. While you realize there may be peace to come, there often is no great peace in the moment, in the bowels of the pit. God had to break me before He began to heal me - He used that situation powerfully in my life, showed me some true miracles. And then, after about six months of hell on earth, I did begin to sense God's peace. I was very sick for nearly three years, in rough shape for at least five. It's why my kids came so late - we had to wait.

Jac's advice resonates, though, as my assessment is that knowing someone cares, is REALLY listening, keeps checking on you - man, that's huge. It takes someone very special to continuously minister to such people. It surely has to be a calling, I just don't know how you can decompress overnight and go back to work the next day.